Thursday, February 10, 2011

4 days to go

Other than this being the sixth day of the liquid diet and my TOM coming this weekend (both of those things suck a LOT) I'm doing ok.  I'm really looking forward to the next step which is surgery, then counting out the weeks until my weight is in an acceptable/happy range.

I am a lap band revision.  I've had it for 3 years.  For so long, I felt like such a failure, the way I always do on any other diet.  For me, the lapband has been nothing more than a whole new eating disorder with the constant finger pointing of "you're abusing your tool" or  "you're not following the rules".  It has been a medically supervised shame-fest, with all of the same old feelings of guilt.  Crushing guilt, day in and day out.  I have never wanted something out of my body as badily as I want out this lapband.

Today I went to the lapband forum and found a bunch of my old posts from years ago. I'm sad for that girl - all the things she was concerned about were infact true.  There are just a few very successfull bandsters and I let their overwhelming conviction override any rational concerns I had.  The lapband is definately not the "thinking persons WLS" the way the DS is.  Now when I visit the lapband forum it just makes me sad - sad for all the people who are struggling and the insantiy of the pollyanna's pushing guilt and shame down everyones throat.  I read those messages from DS'ers back then, but by then I already felt a kinship with the band folks - I was so lonely back then and I bonded quickly.  But quietly, I was insanely jealous and wished I had it so good. My family at the time was against WLS, but the lapband was something they didn't completely balk at.

Now here I am, 3 years later, and am happy as can be I am getting the DS.  I don't have any second thoughts, I don't have any pressue of friends or family to not do it.  At this point I am a stronger person and firmly believe I am not a failure.  I have done a lot of things "wrong" with my band but I haven't done anything "wrong" to me. I'm a smart girl, I've been well trained in all things diet and excercise, and I am at a point where I am ready to accept myself, love and trust myself, and I know the DS will work for me. I could list a hundred reasons why I am overweight from my will power to my genes to life style, but why doesnt really matter anymore.  My weight is a problem that needs to stop being a problem NOW before I am too old and sick. I'm ready to do what it takes (even though I might bitch and complain along the way) to make this work, once and for all.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Preop diet day 5

Wow, this is rough.  All liquids for so long just sucks.  I find I just try to constantly do something so I can be distracted.  Go to work, go online, clean something up, walk on the treadmill, take a bath, DISTRACT! DISTRACT! DISTRACT!  Arg!!
The diet is so hard that I almost can't even think about the surgery. I feel sort of depressed..  It doesn't help that I have PMS this week and dreading the fact it will start the day of surgery. 

This is not easy. Its not fun.  Its not terrible, but I just want it over it over with.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Pre-op liquid diet, day 2

Ok honestly, its not that bad. I have been drinking a LOT of diet V8 Berry Splash, that shit is that BOMB.  I don't even think it tastes like diet at all - it tastes like juice.  A little bit of Crystal Light, but I keep going for the V8... For protien, I had some crap I got at Target called Pure Protien.  I'll tell you, I'm not that picky but that stuff is NASTY.  I had looked on line a bit and also stopped by a place called Vitamin World.  I ended up at GNC and bought their GNC Pro Performance® AMP Amplified Wheybolic Extreme 60.  It's a little bit more expensive, but one serving has 60 grams of protien, so it takes a lot less to get to the daily requirements.
Pretty yummy
The power of Facebook!  I made a post yesterday asking if anyone had a treadmill I could borrow or but and my friend Cat gave me hers for free!  And, its a totally awesome treadmill - I can't believe she just gave it to me!  It even has a built in fan - crazy.  I want to make sure after surgery I have a place to walk the required 2 or 3 miles per day to help prevent blood clots.

I finally settled on a multivitamin.  I chose Bariatric Advantage Multi with High ADEK and its chewable and sugar free! I also got a pretty tasty Tropical Oasis Calcium Citrate supplement, liquid, from GNC.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

OMG this is happening

So I went to the final preop appt yesterday.  Good news is I've lost 10.2 pounds, although it seems so tiny I am glad to have lost some weight.  I also found out I am B12 and D deficient - ok, I thought, no biggie... until the nurse starts explaining to me how to give myself a SHOT. In the STOMACH!  I seriously cannot believe I actually did it. Its supposed to help me feel less tired, reduce cold hands and feet (Troy is excited about that), and maybe even get rid of heart palpitations!  I had no idea all these things were related.

I think I am going to get a pill organizer and a schedule - its hard to remember when and how many to take of everything.  B12 once per week, 3 multivitamins and 1000 mg calcuim 4 times per day, and 50,000 IU of D once per day - actually I guess thats not so bad.  The vitamins and preop perscriptions I picked up for my surgery was pertty overwhelming - there were 11.  Plus, the injection equipment.... scary.  That doesn't count the multi and calcium - I tried going to Vitiamin World, but the lady there was sort of a whack job and I ended up leaving.  I think I am going to stick with purchasing from VitaLady. Here is what I have so far:

Perscriptions, tylenol, vitamins OH MY!

Liquid diet started today. Yay. But that also means.... ONLY 10 DAYS UNTIL SURGERY!!!