Thursday, February 10, 2011

4 days to go

Other than this being the sixth day of the liquid diet and my TOM coming this weekend (both of those things suck a LOT) I'm doing ok.  I'm really looking forward to the next step which is surgery, then counting out the weeks until my weight is in an acceptable/happy range.

I am a lap band revision.  I've had it for 3 years.  For so long, I felt like such a failure, the way I always do on any other diet.  For me, the lapband has been nothing more than a whole new eating disorder with the constant finger pointing of "you're abusing your tool" or  "you're not following the rules".  It has been a medically supervised shame-fest, with all of the same old feelings of guilt.  Crushing guilt, day in and day out.  I have never wanted something out of my body as badily as I want out this lapband.

Today I went to the lapband forum and found a bunch of my old posts from years ago. I'm sad for that girl - all the things she was concerned about were infact true.  There are just a few very successfull bandsters and I let their overwhelming conviction override any rational concerns I had.  The lapband is definately not the "thinking persons WLS" the way the DS is.  Now when I visit the lapband forum it just makes me sad - sad for all the people who are struggling and the insantiy of the pollyanna's pushing guilt and shame down everyones throat.  I read those messages from DS'ers back then, but by then I already felt a kinship with the band folks - I was so lonely back then and I bonded quickly.  But quietly, I was insanely jealous and wished I had it so good. My family at the time was against WLS, but the lapband was something they didn't completely balk at.

Now here I am, 3 years later, and am happy as can be I am getting the DS.  I don't have any second thoughts, I don't have any pressue of friends or family to not do it.  At this point I am a stronger person and firmly believe I am not a failure.  I have done a lot of things "wrong" with my band but I haven't done anything "wrong" to me. I'm a smart girl, I've been well trained in all things diet and excercise, and I am at a point where I am ready to accept myself, love and trust myself, and I know the DS will work for me. I could list a hundred reasons why I am overweight from my will power to my genes to life style, but why doesnt really matter anymore.  My weight is a problem that needs to stop being a problem NOW before I am too old and sick. I'm ready to do what it takes (even though I might bitch and complain along the way) to make this work, once and for all.